But not really. I'm talking about the voices in my head. Not creepy voices. More like the voices that are planning out my future. It's me, but calmer and not as weird. The me that isn't singing The Diva Dance from The Fifth Element any time of day.
I'm going to get mushy. Are you ready for mushy? If not, please leave and come back when you are cause it's going to get grass after a downpour mushy. 3, 2, 1...
I cannot wait to be married to my best friend in the entire world.
I'm not engaged nor am I currently dating anyone. The last "relationship" I was in ended because of my fear of moving too fast. I'm scared of getting into something and catching feelings, being vulnerable. I mostly keep offering to suck random dick when nothing else is working out. Yes, all terrible portions that do not, in any way equal a whole woman ready for a serious, deep relationship. But one day I'm going to be married to the best guy for me and we are going to be so god damn happy.
I was in bed. Friday night. Alone as usual. My life is a myriad of fun and exciting plans, obviously. After work, I had dinner with my parents and then took a shower. My hair is super soft and my skin is moisturized. Lightly scented with some cranberry and grapeseed. God knows how many fucking grapes you need for grapeseed oil. It was on sale at a discount beauty place. I see cheap that usually isn't cheap and I buy. Reason #35935 why I'm broke. Also $50 Philadelphia Flyers sneakers. Not my point.
I'm in bed smelling good, feeling soft all over, cuddling my giant fluffy body pillow (Walmart, $12. You're welcome,) and I think to myself, "You know, a man right here next to me would be sublime right now." I'm not saying this is the only thing I think about, because anyone reading my blogs knows my brain is ALL over the place. It also isn't the only thing that I think will make me happy. This isn't about needing a man to survive. Fuck, I can survive without a man. There are tons of sex shops plus websites usually have free delivery.It was just...at that moment, that is the only thing I wanted. A guy that would smile at me just because he loves me. One that would hold me close as we fall asleep. The both of us so content with how our days went and now getting to spend our nights together. Our words not making sense as we fall asleep next to each other.
Lately, my head has been projecting this awful idea that I'm just not pretty enough to be allowed the privilege of being attractive to anyone. I'm afraid that small children whipser to their mothers that I'm scary or that beautiful women pity me. Lately, I've been picturing my future as me alone. All my beautiful friends have families and someone by their side. I'm alone at my desk writing about what it's like to still be single in your 50s. Still singing The Diva Dance. I'm not upset about The Diva Dance part.
I don't know what it was about tonight that made me feel different. That made me think I would actually be with someone. Maybe I had a good day. Maybe I shouldn't have microwaved that plastic cup and then eaten out of it. Either way, it was nice to think that maybe, just maybe I won't end up alone.
If you haven't guessed by now, I'm going to be a kick ass wife one day. I mean, just look at my high school yearbook, my sense of humor must be out of this world considering how many times it was referenced. Plus, that cranberry and grapeseed scent is damn delicious. Sometimes I smell like watermelon. Don't even get my started on how many different Chapstick flavors I have.
17. I have 17 different Chapsticks.
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