I haven't posted in a long long time. Awful blogging, I know. This isn't my full-time job, so calm down. I'm doing my best.
Wanted to post something real. Not my usual blabbering with funny lines thrown in for a good kick. Real feelings. Gasp! I know. What the fuck am I doing?
There are a lot of people that would disagree with me, but it's hard to believe those people over the adamant opposers. I believe, deep down in my unchangeable soul, that I am ugly. I don't like to use that word because I do find it hard to believe that anything in this utterly amazing world is ugly, but me - I AM ugly. My eyes are too close together. My nose is too big. My skin is spotted with scars and blemishes. Fingers too short, hands too wide, chest too small, shoulders too wide, feet too square. The list goes on. The one redeemable quality I might like: my lips are sort of nice. But my smile? Hideous. My voice? Gargantuan.
Because of this, I am left with a serious problem. I don't trust others too easily when it comes to feelings. I put too much trust in the strangers I meet on dating apps, hoping they don't murder me when I meet them for the first time in a dark parking lot. But the men that actually might have feelings for me? Crazy. Unbelievable. Why would anyone in their right mind choose me over someone beautiful? And you know what? Very few people have chosen me over someone else. I get passed over time and time again. I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of coming in second. Tired of being the almost one.
I have a great job, make good money, pay my bills, about to move out on my own, about to have my first novel published - and yet, here I am. Still feeling like nothing I do will ever be good enough to catch someone's attention. Thinking no one will ever want to put in the effort to make me happy. And maybe no one will ever fill that role. Maybe it's up to me and me alone to make myself happy. It sounds sad, but people shouldn't have to rely on others to feel something amazing. Sex jokes aside on that one.
While I do relish the thought of being with someone - being able to enjoy the small bliss relationships give off. Holding hands in public, the subtle nod that two people chose each other. The hugs. The big, warm, safe hugs. Secret kisses on the walk to the car after a lovely date night. Just being with someone you can put all your trust in with no question. I want that. I want that so bad. But, it's looking less and less likely for me if I can't see beauty in myself. If I can't let someone feel without questioning it.
Maybe I'm meant to be alone. Meant to be the odd family member that brings her dogs to family dinners instead of kids. The person people get to look to and think, "At least I'm not them." Everyone has a purpose, so that could be mine. I'll make people laugh and make them cherish what they have. I don't know the future. Wish I did. I wish I could see what happens so I wouldn't worry as much. Oh well. I'm giving up looking for the future and focusing on what I can for right now. My writing. Crafting my work and making it the best it can be. It's all I can do.
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