But I AM Enough, Mom

 Let me start by saying that I love my mother. She is my inspiration for being unapologetically weird and throwing yourself into something with 100% effort even if you barely know what is going on. She has always backed my decisions and helped me talk through tough situations. Through every stupid fight and every smart-ass reply, she has been here. But sometimes, she makes me feel like I am less than worthy.

Tonight, my mother told me that she is suspicious of my relationship. I have been with Eric for almost two years and things have been wonderful. We are a team through and through. Yet, my mother told me she believes he is using me. Using me for what? I have no idea as I am in massive student loan debt, barely make enough money to pay said debt, and the fanciest thing I own is a Nintendo Switch. She said, "I mean, he is skinny and you're fat. I don't understand it. When I was younger, it was all about looks. I just worry that he is only with you to use you." As if, merely because of my weight, someone couldn't love me. If someone couldn't see the funny, creative, caring person beyond the fat. If I'm not deserving of a man that cares for me because of my rolls. 

I initially laughed it off. "What could I possibly have that he would use me for?" I told her I am happy with Eric, that he cares about me and loves me despite my body. The conversation ended. The day went on. But then we all sat down for dinner later and I couldn't focus. I didn't want to eat in front of her.

She handed me a plate and I said, "No, thank you." She questioned me and I simply said, "I'm not hungry." Before my shaking hands and stinging eyes gave me away, I had to leave the table. I came upstairs and sat in my room alone crying. Sobbing. Wishing it wasn't this way. Wishing I was skinny so you would just love me the way I am. Wishing I wasn't here anymore so no one had to talk to you about my weight behind my back. Wishing I could just be someone that you were proud of. Wishing I was beautiful. 

And then it all came back down again. For one of the very few times in my life, I had been feeling like maybe I was pretty. But it couldn't last. I am back. Back to thinking that, no matter what I do, I will always be ugly. 

**Side note: I have not said this to many people, but the main reason I have tattoos is that I want people to look at me and see something pretty. Since I honestly believe at this point that something will never be me, I hope that my tattoos will suffice. 

Whoops

 I was flat called out the other day by a friend. "Why haven't you been blogging?" She asked. I laughed, she laughed, then we both stopped and she said, "So?" Honestly, I'm a lazy POS. I keep telling myself to grind and get it done - there's no other way I'm going to be famous! But DAYUM, it's hard to get to it after a day of work where I feel drained as hell. 

So here I am, back at it tonight. Happy Easter, if that's your thing. I think Passover is going on too. Whatever you celebrate, happy day!

I've been brainstorming things for a few weeks. Things for my future and growing an online presence. I thought of a really good (maybe) idea before coming on to blog. What if I started a weekly video series called "Shannon Tries New Things"? I have some ideas of what I can do for a few weeks until I hopefully gain some viewers to suggest new stuff. Nothing too wild or gross, normal things - skills, arts and crafts, make-up/hair, foods - whatever! It could be entertaining for people to watch, right? I guess we can wait and see how it pans out. 

I didn't come on here with much of a plan for tonight. I hoped something would happen when I started typing, but nothing really flowed out of me tonight. Not that things usually do - unless you ask my boyfriend then I'm sure he would say farts do - but it was wishful thinking that something interesting would happen when I started pressing these dang keys. Star Wars music started playing so that is always a plus. I hope the next addition to my blog will be better. Someone comment and interact with me, please.

Any kind stranger want to pay off my student loans?

Wild N' Crazy Friday

 It's late. 

I've spent my Friday night alone in bed watching a rom-com. I'm not complaining, it was exactly what I wanted. Well, not exactly, but that's Stardew Valley's fault for having connection issues. This was my second choice after scrolling through Netflix. 

LOVE. Who the hell decided that needed to be packaged and sold? What a dumb idea. I understand everyone's experiences with love are different but do people really think rom-com love stories are real life? YES, we do. I'm a full-blown idiot for believing it, but I can't help even an ounce of it. Holly and Liam are from different backgrounds and social statuses - they were never supposed to meet but by pure chance, the two pick the same New York City exclusive hotel party and grab a free drink at the same time. Their love must overcome the staunchy high-life family of Holly versus the laidback willy nilly life of Liam while the two work on advancing their both well-respected careers. Will love persevere?! Of course it will, but I am here for the ride!

I do hate how it hits real life though. These romance tropes alter people. We are sold these ideas that one person can fix another solely by being "different". HOLY HELL, that is NOT true. If the person you're dating has done something terrible to the last 5 people, it will most likely happen again and it won't be magically better just because your smile is genuine and you "care more". If someone says no, it's NO, not "no but maybe if I keep trying it will be yes". How about we also stop acting like bringing someone to a wedding you just met to make an ex jealous is ever a good idea. If something is meant to be, it will happen. Forcing shit doesn't work. Shout out to the one guy I tried to force into a relationship after 3 months because I didn't want to wait and see if things were real - LOL my bad, bro.

It really makes me think about how things are right now. I'm not saying my relationship is perfect nor should people follow what I'm about to say as law. It's just what I think when this stuff comes to mind. Again, it's late. 

Things that rom-coms get wrong and right:

• Romance is whatever you want it to be. It's not one defined thing, it's what makes each individual (I forgot how to spell this word for a second) in the relationship happy. What one person might think is romantic might not be the same for another. Your friend might think grand gestures with big circus-like shows is the definition of romance, but another friend might find a partner making a favorite dish after a long day the most romantic gesture in the history of humankind. Don't get hung up on the romance of movies. The real world costs money and breaking into an ice rink to skate around is a felony. I think...I'm not a cop.
• The edge of sleep, late-night talks in a cozy bed with your partner are PRIME. Goofy, sincere, deep - it doesn't have set parameters, yet it's always perfect. When you hit that good talk, time doesn't matter. You have work the next day? I don't care, this moment has to last as long as possible. We can be sleepy later.
• Relationships are HARD. They have ups and downs, there is nothing you can do about that because life is going to hit you and that will push into your relationship. If it's worth it, you'll know. I don't know how, but you will. 
• This is the most important - NEVER doubt yourself because some asshat came into your life with a bad attitude. Some people aren't ready for a relationship. Some people aren't ready to appreciate you. You can try to make it better, sure. But don't keep trying when it's not getting better. Set a limit. Once that is reached, leave. Harder than it sounds, I know. You are worth everything. Your friends will be there. Your family. Someone will be there to help. 

It's late. I'm tired. This post hopefully makes sense to you like it does to me. Now please excuse me as I go to bed now.

Alexa, play "thunderstorm sounds".

Redirecting My Life...Maybe

Here I am. A 28-year-old New Jersey native trying to take a chance on myself and spend $48 to start a blog that could possibly make my future better.

C A R D  D E C L I N E D

I forgot that I set a bill to be taken from my account on the due date and not the day of sending the payment. When I thought my bank account looked fluffed, I should have known it was wrong. Rookie mistake? Probably. Did it make me depressed that this is my life? Definitely! It feels like that should not be happening at this age, but it does – not the card declined, but the depression because of money and the gigantic foreboding bills. I must budget better, especially with the insane amount I pay to student loans per month. It is getting incredibly difficult to see a real future with this hindrance. Imagine being 28 and having a net worth of -$150K and for what? Two degrees that mean nothing to the job market. Two degrees and still only making $32K per year. Dreams went out the window a long time ago.

So, Blogger. It is me and you. We are going to work hard and get a following, gain loyal readers, give the people entertainment, and write at least three times a week. I tried taking a chance and the world said, “NO,” in bold font. No chances for me, but back to the grind of Blogger.

From my past blog entries, you can see my mind is all over the place. It will continue to be like that. My posts will have no cohesive theme besides a GIF in every post and the shining gem that is Yingst writing. You will not see award-winning writing here, but you will be entertained. I will be posting an ongoing fanfiction once a week or so along with whatever is on my mind. Maybe some posts for products I find out-of-the-park amazing or ones that are so, so terrible it is not even fathomable.

 

Vader and Palpatine, the sith cats, say hello.